


Cling to my arms

by gaynebula



Series: Writing prompts [3]
Category: Druck | SKAM (Germany)
Genre: Emotional Hurt/Comfort, Implied/Referenced Drug Use, Insecurity, M/M, Self-Doubt
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-12-14
Updated: 2020-12-14
Packaged: 2021-03-10 21:02:53
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,788
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28073655
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/gaynebula/pseuds/gaynebula
Summary: Most days, at least the good ones, where Matteo gets to wake up with his legs intertwined with David’s, sharing the heat from the duvet, Matteo manages to think he might be an alright boyfriend, because David’s smile is so wide when he’s around that Matteo’s body almost shivers at the sight. It makes his skin prickle, his heart swell, and silences the voice in his head that says he’s no good.For two different prompts:Maybe something about insecurities? Matteo being afraid he is not good enough for David. That David deserves more. But not actually talking to David about it and just quietly pulling away. Obviously David notices and they fight and then Matteo tells him?Would you ever be willing to write something about jealousy? (that roots more out of insecurities?) Either Matteo thinking that David will get fed up with him and will realise that *insert person* is so much better than him. Or David who thinks that he is not good enough?
Relationships: Matteo Florenzi/David Schreibner
Series: Writing prompts [3]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/1992580
Comments: 8
Kudos: 52





	Cling to my arms

**Author's Note:**

> Thank you to everyone that sends me prompts, I'm doing the best I can with answering them. 💕

The thought has been sitting with him for a while, probably longer than he wants to admit, when Matteo eventually articulates it. Usually, he’s able to hide it whenever he’s around David, and the thought often disappears as David cups his face and kisses him, and it’s enough for Matteo to forget it for a while. 

But now, it’s there, at the tip of his tongue, despite the fact that David is sitting so closely next to him on the couch, smiling sleepily at the screen in front of them.

“I’m sorry I don’t know stuff.”

He’s not sure if David heard him over the movie that’s playing, and he refuses to look over at him to gauge his reaction.

It takes a while before David responds at all, but then, suddenly, the body next to Matteo’s shifts and David has pressed pause before turning around to look at him. He’s still quiet, but his eyes are fixed on Matteo’s face. 

“You know stuff” he mumbles, but his eyes are evidently still searching for something as his gaze moves across Matteo’s features in the blue light from the screen.

Matteo really wants to protest, because he knows he’s in the right here. At the same time, though, the part of him that’s terrified of conflict wants to shut up and drop it, leave it be before David can pick up on any tension and make it into a thing, when it doesn’t have to be.

“Matteo.”

He hasn’t even noticed he’d started biting on his lip until David’s hand is on his wrist and he gets too aware of himself, and immediately stops as David’s eyes land on his lips. He makes some sort of noise to show that he’s listening, even though he’s still too quiet, and David lets out a small sigh. It’s enough to make Matteo hate himself for a second.

“What’s up?” David tries, and his voice is gentle, even when his shoulders look tense from his lack of sleep combined with too much work. Matteo really shouldn’t add to the pressure.

“Nothing,” Matteo shrugs, but he can’t even look at him as he does.

“I just… feel stupid, ‘cause I should know stuff” Matteo huffs out, like he has to push every single word for them to come out, and he closes his eyes for a beat too long as he waits for David to speak again.

“You’re never stupid” David reassures, and his hands are moving a bit until they’re securely around Matteo’s shoulders, wrapping him into a welcomed sense of safety. 

It’s familiar and grounding, and Matteo wishes that was enough for his thoughts to disappear. He pushes his head so that his hair presses against David’s neck, and he can hear David’s breathing changing a little at the sensation, but he still strokes Matteo’s back, still holding him close.

“What stuff?” David mumbles after a while, when it feels like they’ve been sitting like that for hours, and the screen has gone dark. They still haven’t pressed play.

“Like trans stuff. Or queer stuff. Or just,” Matteo mumbles, waving his hand in a gesture that doesn’t really convey what he wants it to do.

“Hey.” David moves back a little, just so that they can lock eyes properly, and Matteo is almost scared by the intensity displayed on his face

“You know a lot of stuff,” David continues, before leaning forward to place a kiss on Matteo’s shoulder where his t-shirt has ridden down a bit, and Matteo inhales sharply before looking at him in awe.

“And you try so much for me, Matteo, all the time.”

David moves again so that his lips are now a centimetre from Matteo’s skin, and Matteo has to actually close his eyes as he can feel David’s warm breath so close to his neck. Then, when he feels David’s lips right below his jaw, he makes a noise he hopes David didn’t hear, but it’s clear that he did as a small giggle escapes him.

“Okay?” David looks at him, again, this time with a look that’s both soft and stern, in a way Matteo is sure no one else could ever look at him, and Matteo leans forward again, closing the distance David’s created.

“Okay” Matteo mumbles, and as the word gets lost in David’s sweater, Matteo thinks it might actually be true.

...

  
Matteo had thought that maybe, once he’d voiced his fears, they would simply go away. He realises, though, just a week after he’d talked to David about it, that they’re still very much there.

A day or so after their movie night, which had ended with David kissing him gently as Matteo had drifted off to sleep, Matteo had spent hours at his computer, going through articles and a short documentary series he found on LGBT history, trying to absorb as much as possible even though he’d woken up with a headache. David wasn’t coming over, anyway, because he’d just started their first big project of one of the university classes he was taking, and Matteo had convinced him he was fine with David giving it his undivided attention.

So, for a few days, he barely saw anyone, just spent his time in his bed with his laptop, trying to make an effort so that he could shut down the thoughts gnawing at him whenever he didn’t have anything to distract him. All he wanted was to have David there again, lying next to him with his arm around Matteo’s shoulder and placing them close together, just so Matteo could press his face into David’s chest and _breathe_.

Just as he’s about to leave his bed in search for a lighter and say _fuck it_ to not smoking as a coping mechanism, his phone vibrates, and he doesn’t even check the screen before picking it up.

“Yeah?”

“Hi.”

David’s voice is sweet, and just the sound of him breathing over the phone is enough for Matteo’s body to go soft.

“Na.” Matteo mumbles, biting down on his lip.

“Miss you.” 

Matteo can basically hear the smile in this voice. Instead of being just as sweet, Matteo just lets out a whine as he throws himself on the bed. “Uuuuuuugh.”

“You okay?” 

He still sounds like he’s smiling, but there’s a worry there, as well, and Matteo instantly wishes he could be someone who was more… okay, so that David wouldn’t have to check up on him.

“Yeah, ‘course. Just, you know. Miss you too.”

“I’ll be over tonight, okay? And then I’ll bother you all you want.”

“You better” Matteo scoffs, still biting at his lip, and David laughs a little at that, and the sound feels so safe that Matteo’s stomach flips.

“See you soon.”

...

There’s a party that next day, and David had worn his most gentle smile as he’d asked Matteo to go with him, and Matteo can’t say no. He shouldn’t even _want_ to say no, because he’d probably go anywhere if it meant spending time with him - but Matteo is tired, and he feels a bit too sore to be around that many people, especially when he won’t really know anyone there. 

And the thing is, if he just spoke up about it, David wouldn’t even mind, because Matteo somehow had found the sweetest boy in the entire world that would just nod reassuringly and kiss him on the cheek and tell him it’s okay.

It’s not okay. Matteo is already such an asshole, he knows this, and the least he could do is let David have fun with his school friends without worrying about his sad boyfriend not leaving his bedroom even for one evening.

Most days, at least the good ones, where he gets to wake up with his legs intertwined with David’s, sharing the heat from the duvet, Matteo manages to think he might be an alright boyfriend, because David’s smile is so wide when he’s around that Matteo’s body almost shivers at the sight. It makes his skin prickle, his heart swell, and silences the voice in his head that says he’s no good.

So they go to the party that someone David sort of knows is hosting, and most of the people there seem excited to see them because there’s a cheer once they get inside the door, making David duck his head a little before softly nudging Matteo in the side with his elbow. It’s comforting, a small way of checking in that Matteo is okay, and Matteo relaxes a bit at the touch, thinking the night might be okay.

It doesn’t take him long to realise he won’t be able to get David to himself - which was a silly dream, anyway, considering they came here for David’s friends - and it stings, in a way, whenever a new person comes approaches them, talking about things Matteo knows nothing about while David’s eyes light up with interest in a way Matteo rarely gets to see.

He knows just how shitty he’s being as a new person approaches them and joins the conversation with ease and the urge to leave is so strong that he actually does, thinking for a split second that they won’t mind either way. There’s a balcony he’d seen across the room when they’d first gotten there, and he manages to carefully push past the crowds of people he doesn’t really care about getting to know.

Just as he’s about to step outside, he can feel a familiar set of eyes on him, and when he looks up, David’s looking at him from a distance with his head tilted slightly, in a way that never ceases to make his stomach flip. There are still people closely next to him, though, with bright smiles and clothes that just look _good_ in such an effortless way, and their words are enough for David’s gums to show when he smiles at whatever they’re on about, and someone’s hand lingers on his upper arm, and David’s eyes are still on him. 

Matteo holds up his lighter in response, hoping David will assume he’s good, and offers a weak smile before closing the door behind him.

The air is a bit too cold, but it feels good on his face, and he breathes a bit easier before slumping down next to the railing, zipping his hoodie all the way up to his chin. For a second, he just breathes, eyes shut, in some attempt to not lose himself. It hurts, though. It’s not like he had been going around thinking David was all alone at university, because David mentioned different friends and classmates all the time, because he gets on well with people, and he’s easy to like, and he’s so fucking stunning, and it’s a miracle Matteo hasn’t even thought about it before, just how many people are probably glancing his way during lectures or tries to hide their disappointment whenever David mentions _his boyfriend Matteo_.

He almost huffs out a pained laugh as he thinks of just how badly some of the people here probably wished that David would come there alone tonight and let them imagine a future where David could be with them, instead, or just flirt a little to see what happens. Either way, it makes Matteo’s entire body feel hollow, like someone has scraped away anything of value and left him to deal with the remains on his own.

“Matteo?”

David is standing over him, suddenly, and Matteo hasn’t even realised he’s crying before he’s trying to soak up the tears with the sleeve of his hoodie.

“Can I join you?” 

When he looks back up at him, David nods to where Matteo is sitting, and Matteo just hums vaguely but still moves a little to give him room next to him.

David is still watching him attentively as he sits down, and the skin on his arm is so warm against Matteo that he realises he’s cold. He’s not sure how long he’s been here, just that he somehow forgot to smoke the joint that’s still in his left pocket.

“Did something happen?”

Matteo doesn’t know what to say to explain that exactly nothing has happened since they got there without having to explain the crying, so he just doesn’t. He tries to focus on his breathing, slow, steady breaths and does his best not to look like a mess, even though he can sense David’s worry through the silence between them.

“Are you… okay?” His voice sounds a bit more uncertain, this time.

He knows he should say something just so that David can relax again, maybe head back inside and have fun or at least not have that worried look on his face, so heavy and far from the glow in his eyes earlier in the night.

“Matteo” David whispers, gently stroking his hand over Matteo’s arm, and the heat goes straight through the fabric of his sweater and into his skin, but he can’t even get himself to lean into the comfort he knows it should bring him.

“It’s fine” he mumbles, eventually, just loud enough for David to hear him.

“Just think I’m gonna head home.”

He doesn’t even _look_ at David as he says it, just stares into the sky slightly obstructed by the balcony railing. It feels like there’s bile slowly rising in his chest.

“Can we just, talk? Maybe?” David tries, and Matteo can’t help himself as he looks over at him.

David’s eyes almost look wet, as well, and his face is even more concerned than the tone of his voice. It’s all too much as he still feels so extremely shitty, and he just shrugs as he feels the tears come back again.

“Just want to leave” Matteo stutters out, forcing down the tremble in his voice, “but you should stay, it’s fine.”

There’s a silence between them that stretches out before his eyes, sitting heavily like a third person beside them on the balcony, and it’s harder to breathe again. When their eyes finally meet, David looks hurt.

“I don’t want to stay without you.”’

“Why? Everyone here wants you to.”

“Fuck, Matteo.”

There is a panic scratching at his skin, telling him he’s fucking things up, but he can’t handle the way David’s words burns through his entire body. It feels like he’s being set on fire.

“I should just go” Matteo continues, but he doesn’t even get up from his position on the balcony floor before David interrupts him.

“Did I do something?”

Matteo doesn’t recognise whatever it is tinting his voice, first. Then, he thinks it's frustration.

For once, his answer is immediate. “No.” 

“The what the fuck is happening?”

He isn’t even yelling, barely raising his voice, but the sound of it is so sharp that Matteo feels himself tense up completely.

“I’ve barely seen you, and now you’re just… hiding out here.”

“Yeah, because I’m a fucking idiot.”

Matteo isn’t sure his words even come out, because he’s suddenly hiding his face with his hands, and his eyes are burning and his cheeks are wet and  _ fuck- _

“Matteo.”

For a split second, it feels like the world has stopped spinning, and he can’t even feel the cold against his skin anymore.

“Matteo” David repeats, gently prying away his hands just to see the redness around Matteo’s eyes, but somehow, he still just stares at him.

“You deserve more” Matteo breathes out as stares down at their shoes, and David’s hands are on his shoulders, now.

The heavy silence is back, again, ready to swallow them both whole, but then, David wraps him up in his arms so that he’s protected from it, pressing him firmly against his body, with one of his hands tightly around the back of Matteo’s head. 

“I love you” he whispers into the small universe created between them, and then, he can feel the vowels touching his lips as he leans into David, hiding his face against his neck.

“I love you” Matteo confesses, and he feels so out of breath that he can barely stand, but David’s arms are still securely wrapped around him, holding him upright.

“You’re perfect” David whispers, right before kissing him on the forehead, Matteo lets out a small  laugh of relief as he sniffles a little, rubbing his already scratchy face against David’s shirt.

He’s too tired to care about the snot that’s probably visible or the redness around his eyes when he moves his head a little to look up at him, and David carefully wipes his face before slowly leaning in, and as they kiss, all Matteo can think about is how the world slowly starts spinning around them, making him cling to David’s arms even more.


End file.
